It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
we should paint friendship bongs
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
