peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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