his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
