my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
