I feel like abortions should bother me more
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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