I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
