remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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