So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
