I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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