I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
