someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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