Do you still have your period?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
