the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
