the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
