It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
