I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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