WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
