She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
