I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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