I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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