Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
