I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
