I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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