can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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