goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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