two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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