Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
