i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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