seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
