I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
