sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
