i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
