I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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