Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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