I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
