I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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