Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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