I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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