party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My vagina just clenched in fear
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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