I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
