I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
