how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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