Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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