is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
