foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
