my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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