I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
