If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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