the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
