i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
